Wednesday, March 08, 2006

But All The Cool Kids Are Doing Jihad

I don't speak Arabic, but this Hamas-sponsored kids site just doesn't seem right. I mean, jihad on horseback was so 200 years ago.

Some brief observations:
Since when did Palestine start looking like Wyoming? It's like they took that kid on the horse with the crazy-ass sword and put him in a scene from Oregon Trail.

Speaking of which, what's the deal with the kid on the horse with the crazy-ass sword? Kind of reminds me of this Mongolian soldier who greeted Bush on his recent trip to Asia.

And does that smiley face on the right side freak out anyone else? And click on the smiley face link. The doctor holding a hammer and saw kinda scares me. I mean, a doctor with a shot or a tongue depressor, fine. But who wants to think about a doctor sawing off the lower half of your leg? And more importantly, what's he going to do with that hammer?

We should, however, note the progressive nature of the site, which an Israeli news site observed "is egalitarian in its encouragement of martyrdom, with a prominently featured drawing of a religiously garbed girl" holding a sling shot. If Hamas has it their way, women won't be able to do much of anything, but at least they'll still be able to get their Jihad on.

Anyway, since I work for a "next-gen" political organization, I figured I might have some useful tips to help Hamas reach out to the next-generation of suicide bombers. So I decided to write a letter.

Dear Hamas,

If you're trying to get more young'uns into terrorism, you're gonna need to do a better job of making it cool. Take a note from my government: kids like surfing squirrels and space exploring cats. To make Jihad the hot new thing for the kiddies, you gotta go with something a little more in.

For example, those crazy shoes with the wheels in the back of the soles so you can walk or skate. I'm telling you, all the 10-year olds are wearing them. Strap a suicide bomb on a kid in those things and you have the perfect mix of utility and style.

Maybe you don't get the J. Crew catalogue over in the Gaza Strip, but March fashions are "inspired by the brilliant sunsets and rugged beauty of the American southwest." So this guy's gotta go. Try a tweed jacket, some worn-in blue jeans and a hot redhead at your side like this guy.

And where is my girl's ipod? No respectable 15-year old young co-ed would be without those white headphones dangling from her ears and "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" blaring from her Mini.

And lets be honest with ourselves. You like sex, I like sex and, yes, kids like sex too. So lets make this thing a little more risque. For example, replace the girl on the front page with 70 virgin hotties in low-cut, fitted, knee-length burqas. Email it out to the teenage boy targeted listserv, I guarantee, bombs won't be the only thing "exploding" that night.

I hope you find my suggestions helpful. While my work for you is pro-bono, I would not protest if you sent a few of them virgins my way so I could pro-bono them, if you get my drift (wink, wink. nudge, nudge. say no more, say no more?)


Note: If our Arabic speaking readers (CIA translators - you know who you are) could translate this shit, that'd be just dandy. Your assistance will be paid pro-bono (know whatahmean, know whatahmean?)


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