Just Not Enough Capraesque Moments Anymore

Slightly old news, but I can't get the visual out of my head: The new House GOP leader, about a decade ago, wanted to ensure that his fellow elected officials voted in accordance with their oaths of office. "How my constituents would want me to vote is first and foremost," Boehner must have thought, "but the means to that end is almost just as important."

Bloomberg News reports: "In 1995, Boehner handed out campaign checks from the tobacco industry to members on the House floor at a time when lawmakers were considering eliminating a tobacco subsidy."

So what do you think, readership of 100-plus weirdos who found this blog and, oddly, read it? Did Boehner have the unsigned checks in a briefcase? Did he have them in stacks, like newly minted dollar bills? Did he fan them out in a flourish? Flutter them down from the top balcony like 52-card pick-up? "Secret" handshakes with the check folded into 1/64s?

Or how would Frank Capra have envisioned it? Cut to "Mr. Smith goes to Washington," as the famous filibuster scene begins. Or do you think a Boehner-style modernization might speed things up a bit?

PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE

Will Senator Smith yield to--?

JEFFERSON

(breaking in--loudly and positively)

*No*, sir! I'm afraid not!

A sudden, astounded quiet.

JEFFERSON

I yielded the floor the other day if you remember, and was practically never heard of again.

A ripple from the gallery. The President pounds his gavel.

JEFFERSON

*No*, sir! And we might as well get together on this "yielding" right off the bat. I had some pretty good coaching last night and I find that if I yield only for a question, a point of order, or a personal privilege, I can hold this floor a little short of doomsday. In other words, I've got a *piece* to speak--and blow hot or cold, I'm going to speak it.

(Then--plunging on)

Mr. President--up on your desk there is a removal of a Big Tobacco subsidy--waiting to be passed. Well, I'm here to tell you that it is nothing but barefaced thievery--a piece of graft--!

A hum goes up; the gavel pounds--and Paine has leaped to his feet.

PAINE

(strongly)

Will the Senator yield?

PRESIDENT

(pounding again)

Order!

(To Jeff)

Will Senator Smith yield to--?

JEFFERSON

(breaking in)

Yield *how*, sir?

PAINE

Will he yield for a question?

JEFFERSON

Ah, now, that's better.

PAINE

(angrily)

Will he *yield*?

JEFFERSON

For a *question*.

PAINE

Does my colleague have any, uh, incentive for me to vote in favor of this subsidy?

JEFFERSON

He does!

With a flourish, Jeff takes out a briefcase stuffed with blank, unsigned checks from Big Tobacco. He flings it into the air.

JEFFERSON

Everyone--allow the long, powerful arm of this noble organization to purchase your vote--it is the will of this august body!

The men rip off coats as they hurl themselves on top of the billowing storm of checks.

PRESIDENT

(pounds)

Order, gentlemen!

JEFFERSON

Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!

FIN

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(Actual script from "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.")