Friday, February 03, 2006

Scorpios hate banking reform

I'd never heard of John Boehner before yesterday. Hell, even during the ramp-up to the GOP's secret-ballot vote, had someone asked me who was running to succeed Mr. Indictment I would have said "Shadegg, some guy with eyebrows...think his name is Blunt and a third guy." Now that the third man has been named victorious, it's up to us in the blogosphere to figure out exactly how this shmendrek is. Sure there have been newspaper profiles out the wazoo on him, but what do professional researchers know? I have a blog (well, a third of one) and I want to know: Who is Boehner? (You know what, there's just no way "oeh" make an "ay" sound -- no f'ing way. Open call: if anyone can post to us here at APR just one other example, I will compose a dirty limerick in his or her honor.) First, it seems, Boehner hates transportation. Hates it, hates it, hates it. Surely you all remember H.R. 3, the Transportation Equity Act. It passed last summer with a margin of -- wait for it -- 412 to 8. The bill, to authorize funds for "federal-aid highways, highway safety programs, and transit programs," was seen by a select minority as dangerous legislation, including Johnny B. Good. A courageous stand against infrastructure, sir. I can't wait to come shake your hand someday, but I doubt I'd be able to get to Washington through the mud paths that you're turning our highway system into.

OK, hold the phone, click that voting record link again. The Post categorizes the votes in a series of classifications: By party (makes sense); by state (sure); by region (why not?); by boomer status (uh, OK); by gender (could be interesting); and lastly by astrological sign. Ha, what is this, U.S. Congress or mystical occultism? Finally, we can get our deepest political questions answered -- is it true that Virgos love tax cuts or is that just another inside-the-Beltway rumor? I wish someone would go through this to find veritable trends. I'd love to read my horoscope: "You're a Taurus. Thus, you are obstinate, grounded, sensual and will eat up telecommunication legislation like slowly melting ice cream."


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